Learn how I went from VICTIM to SURVIVOR. I am speaking to you from the most raw, unedited position I have ever been in before. I am sharing my #MeToo story. I even forgot to unmute my microphone when recording, but refused to re-tape and lose any of the emotion I bring to you. So, recorded through my MacBook mic, I give you vulnerability, understanding, and love. I hope this helps just one person to find their strength and purpose from a dark time.
I remember my “friend” telling me to relax. That the only way I would know if I wanted to marry my (then) boyfriend is if I messed around with another guy because he had been my only serious relationship. That she set something up, to just trust her.
I remember being pinned down. Feeling weak and overpowered. I remember not remembering.
I remember how much my nails hurt the next day from scraping the walls of the hallways and my thighs from clenching my body through every door frame leading to his room.
I remember the room like it was yesterday. I remember the jerseys on the walls, the smell of his cologne, the creaks in the floors.
I remember saying no, saying stop. Thinking about peeing my pants so he would be grossed out and leave me alone. I remember my “friend” leaving me there. I remember my ESCAPE and the gut wrenching feeling of shame washing over me on the long ride home.
I remember feeling numb, drinking every night to forget, sometimes alone. Not answering my phone, disappearing felt easier. My “friend” later told my boyfriend I cheated on him that night, cheated?!!! She dyed some of my dresses with bleach and shredded the bottoms with scissors. She sat me down to tell me she was jealous of me and felt the need to sabotage my life, but was working on being better. (This is for a whole other thread of loving yourself, or perhaps mental illness: She is now a wife and mother and to this day, I still pray for her and her family).
I remember having a graduation party KNOWING that I failed out of school (and keeping that secret for the past 10 years). Listening to speeches of how great I am and how my family couldn’t wait to see all the big things I would do! I remember when my parents got my transcript in the mail. The sit down at my living room table of disappointment. Me being on the brink of telling them why, but instead muttering.. “yeah, it was my fault. I just stopped going to classes. I don’t know why”.
I remember losing so many relationships because I lost my fight. I was “that girl”, and just plain checked out. I remember feeling so alone and wanting to…. (deep breath). I remember not trying to change anyone’s minds because it would mean telling them what happened to me.
I remember sharing and not being heard. Being talked down to as if it was my fault. I remember fighting for what I lost and being too late. Fighting again only to decide I lost those relationships for good. Panic attacks when I’m just wrestling with a friend. Gagging because a customer is wearing that same, all too familiar cologne.
I remember deciding not to be a victim, but a survivor and a testimony. To RISE again. Fall in love again. LIVE again.
I got and internship doing what I loved and finished college. I moved to NYC and met some of the best people I know today. I decided what I wanted and I went for it.
This happened to me and unfortunately, so many of my sisters. But, it DOES NOT define us.
So many people wonder why we don’t speak up. For me it was the embarrassment. My mind twisted the story in so many ways where I decided it was my fault for being in that situation, for taking the red cup, for not being a little more stern from the beginning. Maybe I led him on? It will just cause more problems. I escaped, it didn’t reallllly happen.. so, it’s okay. If it really happened, I would have a case.
Wrong is wrong. Speak up ladies! Holding it in is not healthy. If you aren’t ready to release it in a public way, try speaking to one person you trust. Or, a person who has been in it, through it, survived. I am here for you and I come with no judgement and no convictions. Write me if you need a friend. Let’s love one another.. we’re in this life together.
Me too… me too.